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The weekend was good. The weather was fine and a friend of mine and I went to a work reunion. As with all these things not everyone showed up who was invited but we had a good turn out none the less with people I’ve not seen in maybe 17 years. One person remarked that I looked thinner than they remember me… I’ll take the compliment.

We got talking to some women, there was nothing going on or anything, just those few brief words that sometimes happen between people and before I know it they were sitting with us and we were chatting and finding out stuff about them as they were finding out about us.

As the evening went on and we got a little inebriated I think my friend took offence to them, I think it was because we had bought them a few drinks and he thought that they were poncing drinks from us, I remember them buying me at least 2 drinks so I didn’t have the same opinion, but my opinion of my friend when he is drunk is tainted anyway due to some events that have happened in the past.

Ill admit I was taken with one of them, 35 years old, lived in London, slim, dark haired, lovely looking. I told her that I thought she looked beautiful and she smiled and said thank you. I was being sincere and I think she was sincere in her answer, i dunno I just got a different vibe off them than my friend. In this situation I tend to be open and honest, I talk about my relationship status, I talk openly, I cannot be bothered trying to guide or influence a person with conversation, I say what I think, more so when Ive had a drink ill admit, but when I told her she looked beautiful, I meant it. I was tempted to ask if I could see her again but I didn’t venture down that conversation route. Would have been nice to have had a new friend though if nothing else. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought of her a bit since then.

In some ways this whole scenario is unusual for me, I have pretty low confidence when it comes to speaking with women, the women that I find attractive generally do not think the same of me, I have low self esteem and all the baggage that goes with that but here we were getting to know 2 women on the back of a “hello”


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It seems to be that if you are not of opinion that we should allow everyone and their dog into the country then we are racist, or probably voted UKIP. If we are of the opinion that Immigration should be curbed then we again are racist or voted UKIP. And I am sure that some people with that opinion are racist and or did vote UKIP but that doesn’t mean everyone thinks that way.

On the BBC website the other day we could post our opinion on the subject after the mess at Calais. There seemed to be two camps. The sod off I don’t want them here camp and the aww they are humans we should take them, feed them and give them bedside stories camp. I am on the opinion that we shouldn’t allow these nor indeed many other people in from other countries.

This opinion doesn’t mean I voted UKIP, nor does it mean I am racist.

It is argued that these people, mainly young men, are just seeking a better life, the come to the UK to get a job and be good upstanding citizens and that they have escaped great persecution in the countries that they came from.

Whilst they may have suffered persecution I don’t think the rest of it holds any water. Why not stay in France? After all they have escaped their countries, they are no longer being persecuted in them? But no fuck France, they want to come to the UK. I suspect it is because we are the bitch of the EU, our benefits, healthcare etc that is what they are after. Either that or crime, to slip into the country and live life in the shadows, or worse yet, are members of terrorist organisations.

Now I’ve no objection at all at people who want to move to another country to better their lives or themselves, but you need to contribute. I think the Aussies have it down properly, just like the French don’t fuck around with protesting things like Uber Cars, the Australians don’t just let any tom, dick and harry into their country, they want you to contribute, not be another bum and a drain on their resources. Why should we be any different?

Some people bang out about how great it is that the UK is so multi-cultural. I don’t mind multi-cultural but I think it has gone beyond that, this is almost forced multiculturalisation [sp], If I go to a local town near me it is almost a surprise to hear an English accent, it is like the English are a minority in their own country, and these seems to be because we bend over and take it when it comes to letting in immigrants.

Why is it reported that more and more people that are not from the UK are to be found homeless? These are the same kinds of people sitting in Calias swearing blind that they want a boss and make a better lives, just not in France thanks, but over the water. Any these are illegal immigrants to France, why are they being allowed to sit in camps in France taking every opportunity to smuggle their way into the UK.

I don’t want them here, I don’t want them eating into my country, I don’t want to pay higher tax to keep them or deport them, I don’t want to see them on the streets either, or pay for the cost to send them back. I read somewhere that the population of the UK increased by 500,000 in a year, with migration being more of that figure than natural growth.

But just because I have an opinion on migration and that opinion isn’t all warm and fluffy and welcoming with open arms, doesn’t make me a racist.


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In the past I have had a big thing going on with followers, people that follow, or like a post then follow without a single comment since. I’ve read posts about we shouldn’t feel entitled to followers and all that and I actually agree with them we shouldn’t be entitled to them, there there is some behaviour that I still find odd. I have no idea on the motivations here (although some have explained I think and I have promptly forgotten), it still doesnt sit right with me. To me there is something not quite right by liking, immediately following a blog and then never saying anything, surely if you read it, liked it and followed it something stirred within you to do so, something that is surely worth a few words. but the words never come.

So I’ve decided you cannot fight it, 90% of wordpress (and I guess most other) blogging platforms are like this, So I have decided to get all petty and anal about it. If People like a post of mine, I will go like a post of theirs however I will read it and I will only like it if I do, If I dont find one to like then I wont, after all generally it isnt as if you will be revisiting my blog.

If someone comments on a post of mine, I will do my best to find a post on yours that I feel I can contribute too and do the same. But gone are the days of thinking that a like and a follow are a connection because most of the time it isn’t, most of the time it is something that I have no clue about, farming for numbers maybe? I don’t know, you tell me.


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Part 1 here

… So anyway, Ian (that is what I heard then call the old man) went off with the transport people and I sat there waiting that ever patient game in the corridor when all of a sudden the door opened and some fresh faced girl called my name and I went into the room. The doc sat there, we exchange pleasantries. On a side note I always smile over the irony that when visiting a doctor they say “how are you” and you always say “not bad” or something similar. Well why the hell are you there if you are “not bad”

We went through what I went there for which was the Sarcoidosis, I thought it had gotten worse, he didn’t think so and before they ply me with nasty steroids they needed a few tests done, I needed a blood test and a chest xray. I wandered to radiology where there was loads of people, the patient waiting game would need to be strong here, but I wasn’t so went forst for my blood test, more waiting, although only about 20 minutes this time, then back to radiology for another 45 minute wait before the chest x-ray.

I wouldn’t mind so much if they looked busy but there were only about 8 people when I arrived and all out names were on separate bits of paper in a box, the department was not busy, and I swear if someone looked in that box again without auctioning anything I was going to kick off. On top of that twice they called me and as I got up they said “oh just making sure you’re here” is that some kind of sick joke?

So with the initial appointment over, the blood test done the xray done I had been in the hospital for almost 3.5 hours and I left back into the sunshine, the heat of the day burning off the feeling of death and decay.

I get the bad feeling every time I go to a hospital, the staff are humans, as I said before they are desensitised to it, these are not humans they are dealing with, they are medical numbers, moved from place to place, they are names on paper but not people, especially not the ones that are really messed up, the people like that Ian guy, his mind clearly mush, is that what I have to look forward too, after being taxed to death during my life by the government, having my kids treat me like a bank and give me years of stress just to fuck off in their nice shiny new home themselves and never visit me, Be treated badly if I end up in a nursing home, shitting my pants and having someone wipe my arse… no thanks I’d rather be dead.

I see it ven with me now in the way I treat my mum, she repeats herself again and again and again and I get frustrated, seeing her is a list of endless questions, hows work? Hows the kids? Is the TV working ok? Have you see so and so? And then if my missus turns up she will ask her all the same shit she asked me. If this sort of things annoys me and I am only there an hour at a time, what must these people who works in hospitals be like when they get it for a full days shift from multiplr people. Sod that

Gertting old is depressing.


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Hospitals are depressing places. It doesn’t matter if they are new and brightly painted, with large windows that let in lots of light, it doesn’t matter that it could be a lovely sunny day outside. As soon as you walk through that entrance it is a places of illness and death, unless your over by A&E and then it is just a high proportion of drunken bums and malcontents interspersed by a few normal people. A&E (at least where I am) tends to have a high number of beefy security guards ready to break up the violence that is often a real threat there, and I live in a fairly decent borough.

But that is not the area of the hospital I went to recently anyway, I went to the cardio and respiratory department. Luckily it was fairly empty the only other person in my waiting room was an old confused woman in her wheelchair and her helper and they left soon after I got there leaving me to wait.

You will notice that about hospitals here, those not being able to afford private healthcare use the NHS and you wait, wait some more, then do more waiting even though you are the only person in the waiting room. If the waiting room is full you just wait even longer. They took me to go see a nurse whereby the took my blood pressure, height and weight and then told me to go down by door 5 and wait again, and there I sat for another 20 or so minutes whilst the doctor did whatever he was doing behind closed doors before I was called.

Whilst doing all this waiting there was an old man in a bed in the corridor, he was old, he had no idea where he was, he mumbled and moaned and shouted help all the time I was there, it was irritating. Various nurses went up to speak to him, one fed him, one talked to him in that patronising loud way you talk to old people that have lost their marbles, or maybe loudly is how people talk to old people by default. About 15 minutes after I sat there the transport people turned up and transferred him to another bed, he continued to shout for help and generally not know where the hell he was.

I suspect Dementia. It reminded me very much of my Dad before he died of a form of Parkinsons, or rather the complications you get from having a disease like that. Is that how it will be I wonder, is that how I will go out, disease? Dementia? Mugged or murdered for my pension by some little turd that wont really serve much of a sentence? Who knows. Perhaps Ill reach a ripe old age and have my wits about me to the very end and succumbing to something that is super quick and super painless.

I wondered if the nurses did actually care, or do you become desensitised to that sort of thing. I think you do become desensitized, even considering stuff that shocks us these days to maybe what shocked people in the 1950s or 60s. In the end you just wish the people with the diseases like that guy would just die. It sounds harsh and perhaps it is but often it is a blessing from them as well as the family. After all I wouldn’t want to not be able to do anything for myself, having to be washed, my backside wiped, surely at that point you are not living a life, your existing in a hell that only goes when you breathe no more…


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OK, Once upon a time there was a blog called Cognitive Reflection, it dealt with bits and pieces all written by me, life, worries, fears, health issues, mind issues and also creative stuff, little stories and the like and it was going quite well.

And then I fucked it up.

I tried a few things and things and separated the creative stuff out over to another blog called Habitat for Heavy Hearts (I do love that name) but after I did that my muse dumped me and I was struggling to put content up (on either site) so was recycling some old creative posts from Cognitive, even that is OK as I started with the oldest stuff first so new people had not seen it and people who had seen it had not done so for a long time.

But what was Cognitive was supposed to be for then? The life, worries, fears, health issues, mind issues alone? Well that would have been great had my life been actually interesting and worthy of virtual paper, or even if I could write in such a way so that people wanted to read it, but you know it isn’t and I am not that good a writer. So the readership that I had reduced quite dramatically. Was the change of blog the reason? maybe/maybe not but that is what happened. The other blog wasn’t fairing too well either so I went from 1 up and coming (ish) blogsto 2 pretty much dead blogs.

I am not even sure what I was trying to achieve but whatever it was it fucked up royally. I think Originally the plan was (before the other blog) just to write stuff that interested me and hopefully find other people out there that was A: interested in my take and B: I have an interest in their thing/blog/life. Only it didn’t really work out that way.

When I created the 2nd blog and split everything up it was a bad move in many ways, this blog fell like a stone in terms of interaction and the few people that followed the other blog were from this one for the main part and most seemed to have drifted away and/or stopped reading. I also have not had so much time on my hands and so I could read masses in return, all of these factors and probably some I am unaware of killed it.


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Had a Reiki session recently; well 30 minutes of Reiki and 30 minutes of Reflexology. I am not too sure what to think about it (the Reiki). I know I like the Reflexology; that feels good. I am really not sure if the body parts shown on a chart do indeed benefit from what is essentially a posh foot massage, but it sure feels nice and relaxing and I will continue to have them, I know that yesterday and today so far I have had no knee pain when going up and downstairs… connected? No idea but I’ll take it.

But the Reiki, unsure. There is some contact, but unlike a massage she just places her hands on an area for a few minutes. On the session we had that included my shoulder which is still not 100%. There was no movement of her hands, just the warmth from the heat of her touch. I think it is supposed to be something to do with energies and auras.

Afterwards she said she could feel a great heaviness on my chest as if I am bottling stuff/something up. I suppose she is right there, my blog etc, the way I am on it, are not how my friends now me, they would not have thought that some of the stories or ways of thinking I admit to on my blog would have come from me. Even going for Reiki they would be questioning stuff, even if in their head.

But also the self-esteem thing, depression, whatever you want to call it. No one would really know that about me, I don’t announce it, I don’t speak to people about it sure I make the odd self-depreciating remark but people just think that is my humour, not me being actually truthful. But then I always regard these things with scepticism, to announce “I feel a heavy weight like you are not saying something” is a bit vague and akin to what a magician or palm reader will throw out there, just a vague comment, perhaps with the premise of which late 40s year old guy doesn’t have some baggage? It’s a throw out there comment, if nothing bites then well nothing bites or the person, ie me will link it to the things personal to me, i.e. self-esteem/depression.


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I am reading my Aromatherapy book at lunch today. I am going through the pages and just reading portions that appeal to me. I came across Arthritis and it made me think of my dodgy knees, I don’t know if that is what it is but I do know that I get pain in them from when I walk up and down stairs and Arthritis is a possibility. Anyway, I read the article and something jumped out at me that could relate to many more things other than Arthritis.

“Some people’s bodies get rid of toxins more efficiently than others, and all of us do so better at some times than at others. Stress and anxiety reduce our ability to deal with toxic wastes; incorrect diet gives the body more toxins to deal with and environmental pollution adds to the total burden the body has to cope with. Once a toxic accumulation has built up, it will eventually manifest itself as disease, taking varying forms in different individuals.”

OK, Ill admit I am taking that statement at face value, But I don’t think it is beyond the realms of believability and sounds like a reasonable theory to me. Consider for a second what is listed as a cause of Sarcoidosis, an auto immune disease (that I have) for example.

It’s possible that some environmental factor triggers the condition in people who are already genetically susceptible to it.

Sure that is a bit vague but I see the connection there, environmental factors, sure it’s all unknown, as far as I am aware it is theory rather than definitive fact but at the same time I cannot help but think that it’s true, perhaps to whole self-esteem issue and all that lark is the cause of my Sarcoidosis. For now I am interested in reducing the Uric acid in my body to see if it helps the knees.


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I’ve been spending some time on Pinterest lately; various things from nice drinks, interiors, kitchens, landscape photographs, food etc. Some people take really nice photographs, they appeal to me in many ways, not just the look and feel of the photograph itself but also of the items and locations themselves. Some of the bars for example look superb and I would love to visit them, foods that make me want to just go buy some things and cook something up, wine cellars… oh don’t get me started on the wine cellars.

Most of this stuff is unobtainable to me, probably for forever but at least for the foreseeable future. I would love to be less materialistic but I cannot help but want some of this stuff.

I do wonder that if the time comes and I am over to take over that bar whether that will open new financial doorways to me, whilst I am enjoying for the most part the job I currently do I am craving for something else and as someone that doesn’t like risk I am surprised that the bar is still on my “want to do list”. Perhaps it is because I know the owner and so feel closer to it.

Weekend is nearly here and I cannot wait, need some time away.


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 photo diffuser.jpg

Today I have been thinking quite heavily about Aromatherapy and want to get “back into it”. I say back into it although I have never really been in it to begin with. I did however some time ago purchase a load of Essential Oils (hereafter written as EO) in order the gain the health benefits from them.

Now I have no idea if all the information out there relating to Essential Oils is true or a load of BS, but as Fox Mulder once said “I want to believe” and so I went on a bit of a spending spree purchasing a tom of EO that I never really did anything with apart from a couple of sprays, a few baths and one or two massage oils.

The thing is I have little to no knowledge on the subject. I have books on it, I have read stuff on the internet but it is vast and I am confused and to make it worse there doesn’t seem to be any up to date forums that I can go to join (everything seems to be years old). To confuse things even more some information is conflicting such as will using essential oils in a carrier oil massage enter the bloodstream via the skin, some places say yes, some say no. (although you will get conflicting answers on a forum too)

But that aside I want to get into it more, the reflexologist that I have started to use also does aromatherapy (as well as Reiki and is also a counsellor) but she is expensive at £40 an hour. And so want to get my own thing going and learn it, I know that there is a body called The Aromatherapy Trade Council (http://www.a-t-c.org.uk/) so perhaps I could go through them to find out more, maybe even do a course myself.

In the meantime I have purchased an EO diffuser (picture above) as when I used an oil burner I cannot smell anything. And that in itself makes me wonder if the oils that I purchased are sub standard. I should have my EO Diffuser tomorrow and will crack on using some of my oils, In the meantime I need to look for a course.