2nd May 2016

Mixed weekend. It was nice to have the extra day off with the bank Holiday but I had a stomach bug Saturday night and therefore I had to cancel an event I was looking forward to on the Sunday. Monday we had my g/f ‘s brother and missus around for dinner where I got a tad merry but then once I stopped drinking the comedown was quick and irritating, I snoozed for about an hour which screwed up my sleep pattern and so Tuesday at work and I am tired. The weather is pretty nice though so that is my effort to be positive.

The drinking on Monday at least has spurred me to cut down, at least for a while. It was a really shitty feeling and I didn’t like feeling that way. Ill try and keep it going but I cannot promise anything solid on that.

Doubts are creeping in on this bar thing, I think I could do it, but that little voice is speaking louder and louder saying you cant or you don’t know what you’re doing, no one will give you the money to do it etc. I am trying to fight through that. I really want to get out of what I do, pref into something of my own rather than working for someone else.

27th April 2016

I sat here for ages trying to think of something positive to put down, something different from the normal shit that is going through my head and there is one thing, a semi positive so to speak and that is that I am moving forward with the bar business plan. In truth I have no idea if I have even mentioned it on here before but in short I was looking to have my own bar and got bogged down before I began.

In many ways I still am bogged down but I am moving forward and trying to achieve one thing a day with the aim of making it happen. I’ve contacted someone who is doing something similar and have a copy of their business plan, not to copy but just to get an idea of what to put in a plan. I’ve spoken to people than have run bars themselves. I have found out about insurances needed and various other little bits of information that will go towards this bar idea, I think my biggest hurdle will be funding. I have even found someone well versed in business plans that will give mine the once over.

Apart from that nothing much has improved. My mood still fluctuates and I find myself still feeling more withdrawn and distant from my family, almost as if I want to sabotage everything that I currently have in order to live alone and in isolation even though I don’t think that I can do alone very well. And I know I don’t actually really want that, just the realisation that I am nearly 50, more has gone than I have left and I yearn for those younger days. Yeah I know you cannot go back which makes it all seem even more fucking ridiculous to me.

I wouldn’t say I am feeling depressed, more a permanent stage of indifference towards most things and people in my life. The self-esteem is still an issue, and why wouldn’t it be really, that shit don’t just get up and pack its bags, I think I’ve put on even more weight… scratch that, I know I have and that is because I am still drinking. I want to lose weight and to do that I know I have to really give up drinking but I enjoy it and so I am finding it very difficult to make that step, so much so that deep down I know I won’t stop, therefore I gain weight, therefore I drink more because I am gaining weight… vicious fucking circle.

REFUGE

I needed to step away for some time. In truth I am not sure if I am ready to fully return but wanted to write something. I felt the blog was overtaking me. I, for some reason, felt obliged to follow (or at least add to my reader) everyone that followed me, even though 90% of those people never really interacted with me and so I needed to step away.

I have made some changes too, I have unfollowed everyone that I had followed, I needed to do that, even on the blogs that I regularly visited as I need wordpress to not own me, I need it to be a place I can come and post something without the added burden of feeling compelled to read lots of other blogs. I am sure I will read people over time, but right now I need this to be a place of refuge for me and my thoughts, I hope you all, at least those that read this blog and Habitat for Heavy Hearts understand.

couple in car

AN OLD MAN’S GUIDE TO LIVING DANGEROUSLY

http://www.spectator.co.uk/2016/04/an-old-mans-guide-to-living-dangerously/

This was posted up on a facebook page of someone I know, with the title I thought it would be an article with degrees of amusement in the writing so I posted a random reply saying that I would read it lunchtime. Well lunchtime came and as I listened into an extremely chilled playlist on Soundcloud I read what the guy had to say.

I was somewhat surprised to read something that resonated with me on a number of levels and none of it in a humorous way. Essentially what he is saying (or rather what I took from what I read) was that the young are too careful and you should go out and be a bit adventurous and discard, at some level at least, the health and safety, pc world that we seems to be the epidemic of the moment. His description of old age was, for me, quite sobering.

One sentence in particular grabbed it for me, something that those in their 20s and maybe their 30s won’t relate too, although I may be wrong on that score.

As I look back, it is those moments when I went too fast, dared too much, fell too far, drank too deep which bring a smile to my lips, an ache to my heart.

A smile to my lips and an ache to my heart!

So wonderfully put, just enough words to make you stop and stare at the sentence for a while reminiscing in half faded memories of times gone by, moments in your life captured in memory and fading like a photograph left out in strong sunlight for years, it packs even more punch when you read his lines on what we can look forward to in old age like aging bodies and failing minds.

Great.

MEMORY OF LOVE

Love… not a word I have uttered in quite some time; well not in THAT way, I have done “I really love that restaurant, food type, film, drink” etc. but an “I love you” has not been said for some time which may be surprising for some who have read certain posts on my Habitat for Heavy Hearts blog but I could fill up many thousands of words that brought it to that… it is what it is.

However even though those three words were not said it does remind me of one time when I worked at another company doing IT support. There were a few of us working in IT and the front of house (ie reception) girls used to sit in the same room as us. We all got quite close and used to go out for lunch or sometimes even of an evening; this could be a bunch of us or even just a couple of us, and of course my day dreaming active imagination kicked in.

There was one girl , we’ll call her V, to me she was perfect (or imperfectly perfect as I like to say these days after a conversation I had a long long time ago with Claud). However at the time I couldn’t fault her (V) in any way; dark hair, smooth complexion, dark crystal clear bright eyes, lovely smile, gorgeous voice (very slight Welsh accent) and about 5”6`, not too much make up, independent, wouldn’t take shit from anyone, nothing really fake about her, I think she was 24 at the time of me working there and I was… well… older *sigh*. Don’t judge me.

One evening, I cannot recall the occasion but all of us were going out, and by all of us I mean about 5 of us from IT and 6 girls from front of house, we were going to a bar near where we worked (they have a very nice rum called Diplomatico behind the bar btw), the bar was just off of Fitzroy Square in London. So after work we all got dressed into civvies and wandered down to the bar, we played a bit of table football and were having a few drinks.

V was a bit late getting there. Now backing up a little V and I got on well, we had banter and there was a bit of joking around, I really liked her, I liked being around her, she made me feel good even though she was unaware of any of this and I was never someone that she would even consider being with, not even by accident, but I guess the main point of what I am trying to say is that we probably didn’t take each other too seriously, well at least she didn’t take me seriously but yeah I’ll admit I was smitten a tad.

Anyway V eventually turns up to the bar. V likes Whisky (this is def my kind of girl) and so we used to speak about that, and I wanted her to try the rum, (straight, no ice… as a sipping rum should be drunk). Anyway I am at the bar and she is standing to my left. Whilst I am in the process of ordering the drinks she takes off her coat. I get the drinks, pay for them and turn to her to give her the drink.

I stop in my tracks, she is wearing a blue dress, it fit her so perfectly in all the right places, and I was so dumbstruck, my face must have said it all judging by the expression she had on her face. And I simply said “wow, V, you look beautiful” I meant that more than I had meant anything else that I could think of at that point.

I cannot even remember what she said to that. But to this day in my mind no-one has looked more perfect than she did on that evening and that was it, whilst the love word wasn’t mentioned I can also say that I have called a woman beautiful even less times and that word made me think of this event..

I remember a conversation we had some time previous to this evening when she was talking about compliments, and I remember her saying something about not liking compliments that were not really meant, you know the throwaway, “you look nice” or “you look pretty” there was nothing not meant about what I said to her that night. Would you call it love? no. Was I in love with her? I think I was a little even though I know nothing would ever happen, certainly there was absolutely nothing reciprocated from her to me, but to me she was absolutely perfect.

GUSFRABA

I don’t know if what/how I am feeling lately is a common thing. People tend to not really speak about their feelings in an open, honest way, or don’t they? I may be totally wrong on that, I was basing it on me and I may well be a freak of nature in that department, everyone else may be an open book and it is only me that isn’t, although my intuition tells me that is not the case.

The thing is that I also know that I don’t have it “that bad” that the issues that are bothering me currently could probably be dealt with in a good, logical manner if I was a good parent. But I guess I am not even that because my son is still pissing me off with his lack of finding a job and the things that go through my head are either relating to “do nothing because you already feel like you are trying to control” or “rant and rave, flail my arms and through spittle out with my harsh words”. Nothing in between, just one of those two options.

Bottom line is my son has been out of work since the end of Jan 16, up until now he has had 0 interviews although he has signed onto benefits. I don’t overwatch anything he does (he is nearly 20 and I shouldn’t have to) but although he says he is looking I doubt even that. Best case scenario is he does bare minimum. And those two words describe my son to a T, at school, in every aspect of his existence bare minimum is at the fore. Unless it involves playing games on a computer.

The thing is perhaps he is looking really hard, although I see no evidence of it. The fact that I know he lies and lives by the bare minimum motto for most of his life I really honestly, hand on heart think that he isn’t really looking that hard and I don’t know what to do. As I say my actions above are either do nothing or shout and holler and I want to do neither, at the same time my diplomatic skills are zero and I could potentially damage the relationship with my son if I said things how I feel them.

So at the moment I am erring on the side of doing nothing, I don’t have the answer of what to do, he is a lazy fuck, I know this, as I say he has been like this his entire life but why the fuck should he sit at home playing games whilst I do 3 hours travelling each day to go work a 9 hour day. But I still don’t know what to do.

What will probably happen is this. I will let it fester and eat at me until one day I will blow and go all Falling Down* on him.

Now it could be worse, he could be a violent thug with a drug and drink problem and he isn’t, he is just a lazy guy who has only ever done the bare minimum to get by, but it is really frustrating me and yeha ill admit it, its getting me down.

*reference to the Michael Douglas movie where he loses it

WELLBEING

Reflexology Map

I’ve done a lot of worrying lately, but worrying isn’t going to change a thing and whilst I will at times sit and mope about stuff I have to try and turn it around. Worrying will not make the Sarcoidosis go away, if anything it would make it worse because worry = stress and stress is something Sarcoidosis thrives on.

So I am going to pursue some interests that may help with the condition. First up is I have started going to go to reflexology sessions. From what I read different areas of your feet are associated with different organs in your body, plus with this Sarcoidosis my toes are numb so I am thinking Reflexology, which is basically a posh foot massage, may help with the numbness in the toes as well as the other possible benefits. Reflexology is surprisingly relaxing and feels nice. I say surprisingly as I hate my feet being touch and am generally very ticklish.

On top of that I also tried Reiki/Chakra and Crystal Healing sessions. I am however very dubious about these, I had one session of Reiki and it didnt really do anything for me so I may well curb that one. I still am interested in that area but don’y really want to pay good money on it if I don’t feel the benefits. Nothing has really been proven and it all seems to be based on magic to me. it is something that I would like to think that it works but not actually convinced that it does.

But, even if it is a Placebo and you only THINK it works (assuming you still think that way after a session) then surely it has done its job? It isn’t like I have walked away from western medicine (not that it has or can do anything for me in this case) but it would be more as a supplement to that. I must admit I am the biggest doubter myself in these things, how the hell can a crystal help heal you? In my mind it cannot, but just because I think that way doesn’t make it true.

I want to learn more about Aromatherapy too and see how that can help, if at all I have already bought a load of things for it (Oils, Base Oils, Containers etc). I have also read more about meditation and see if I can find some peace in that perhaps that will help with other things too in general.

So yeah just going to look into things that will help my overall well being and maybe getting a bit Zen in the process.

SCARED

Back in 2008 I was diagnosed with Sarcoidosis, the term on the doctors notes is Cutaneous Sarcoidosis which means (so I am told) that it only affects the skin. I remember when I was first diagnosed they thought it was in my lungs too but a CAT scan a few years ago showed nothing there. Whether it was there and went away or was never there is unknown to me, I am of course happy that it isn’t there as it makes it seem less scary.

However if you look up the symptoms of Sarcoidosis it makes for some pretty scary reading. I won’t delve into that here because a simple google search will show it all, but it is scary, Sometimes people get it, it stays a little while then disappears (Acute Sarcoidosis) or it hangs around for life (Chronic Sarcoidosis). A lot of the scary stuff is regards Pulmonary Sarcoidosis (affecting the lungs) I don’t know if the Cutaneous version can turn into the Pulmonary version.

Continue reading “SCARED”

BIPOLAR

I was work the other day and not for the first time I wondered if I may possibly be Bipolar.

I looked at a definition online where it says…

Symptoms of bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder is characterised by extreme mood swings. These can range from extreme highs (mania) to extreme lows (depression). Episodes of mania and depression can often last for several weeks or months.

OK, my highs are not extreme to the point of mania, and the lows whilst they would fall under the heading of depression are not extreme lows, I do not sit and contemplate my own demise, or suddenly start balling for no reason, in fact if you look back to my previous post, Family, I don’t really cry at all (accept for cats that I am particularly attached to).

But of course there are scales of effect, and whilst I don’t know, I suspect you can have different scales of Bipolar that don’t go to the extreme ends of the pendulum, but that itself doesn’t sit right with me.

If someone throughout the course of the day, and as humans we do, have good and bad things go on, our mood will change from happy and sad (I know that is simplifying the terms) but that isn’t being Bipolar, that is just the everyday ups and downs of life, the fact it is extreme IS the very reason it is called Bipolar (isn’t it?) and if that is the case then I do not have that.

Perhaps it is plain old depression feeling down because of reasons. I know I live in the past a lot, I know that in my mind I go through “what if scenarios” from the past, especially the what if I moved to Canada which I had an opportunity to do back in my early 20s, I know I have scenarios in my head about all sorts of things and that in my head they are (imperfectly) perfect, be it a woman, a relationship, a place, even a restaurant. I also know that that level of perfection even if I add a level of imperfection to it (which I find extremely difficult) is impossible to achieve.

I am a difficult person I guess, I will just leave it be and see how it goes, oh ill be ok in a minute, an hour, a day… a week. I don’t want to sit in front of a doctor as say I think I have depression because I don’t know how the conversation will go. I don’t give a shit about appearing weak, it is because after the utterance of those words I have no idea what he will say and everything that comes out of my mouth will be contradictory fluff which ill babble through.

There is no point to this post really accept to act as a thought dump of how I am thinking/feeling.

Further to this, I figured. perhaps this is just my way, perhaps it isn’t even slight depression, perhaps this is me, my makeup, the way I am, perhaps there is absolutely nothing wrong at all.

FRUITION OF PLANS


The quality of this is a bit rubbish but it was taken on my phone, in the dark and it was windy (which is the noise you will hear if you listen). We had made our way through the lanes and ended up at the beach, it was cold and windy but I wanted to see if I could grab a scene and so this is it. For those that do not know Brighton, there used to be 2 piers here, one burnt down and that is the one the video finishes on.

Back here I said that I may well go down the coast. Generally with these things the intention is there right up until the day and then we make an excuse not to go, well not this time. The weather forecast looked ok and so  at about 1.30pm on Saturday the missus and I got in the car and headed off. I set the sat nav to avoid motorways  as I prefer a drive where you actually see stuff rather than trying to get there as fast as possible via motorway. So we headed there via A and B roads winding through the English countryside. I think we got there about 4pm (as we stopped off for something to eat along the way at a great little pub/restaurant).

We headed into the lanes and the surrounding roads where there are a ton of weird and wonderful shops, bars and people. I’ve taken a few pictures on my camera which I did not put in this post as they are poor. These pictures have shown something to me and that is that I am a shit photographer. I look at these pictures and compare them to the two example pages I linked in the plans post above and see nothing even worthy in my ones. I think I will sell this camera and stick to using the phone (so if anyone wants to buy an old Cannon 10D, with 2 lens and a case as well as a few filters etc feel free to message me).

OK, with that shameless selling plug over… We hung around this area of Brighton till maybe 6pm before we headed down to the beach. This was my favourite bit to be honest, the gray waves crashing on the shore, the cold, the wind it was all here. I had my kangol on which was very warm so I pulled the hood up and just looked out to sea, I could have stayed there for hours.

However we didn’t stay for hours and found ourselves walking out on the Pier, the smell of doughnuts and candy floss invaded my nostrils, the gaudy, tacky lights of the amusement arcade and fairground rides made for a noisy place. We ended up at the very end of the pier and looked out over black, cold, still waters, even the noise from the fairground seemed sudbued here, it was scary as hell… I don’t like heights anyway and that darkness…*shiver*.

After this we headed back to the car and came home, It was a good day, different to what we normally do and I look forward to going back. Sorry about the pic quality, I’ve tried to post process a bit to clean them up but they are just bad.