Whilst I don’t necessarily believe in the “be kind, always” comment; I certainly agree with the main line, we don’t know what battles the people we meet are dealing with.
When I was younger I would have said that I was fighting no battles, but that would have been a lie, not because I didn’t want to say anything (although you need to be careful who you tell), but because I didn’t see the battles that I had fought/were fighting as battles, I just thought it part of life.
I mentioned in my previous post about some photos that I had seen, well I looked at more, all from way back and I know that I have changed from that person, not always for the better too. I sometimes pine for the older me, I was either handling stuff better or just cared less and so I think that I was a generally happier person, that of course could all be bullshit and the memories I am thinking about are not true.
So my battles, at least the ones I am willing to admit. Self-esteem, I have suffered from this for many years, I’ve never considered myself good looking, or good with women. The women that I find attractive generally do not find me attractive, there have been exceptions but this is generally the case and more so since my hair started to go and I put on weight. When I look back at those older pictures as see how slim I was I pine for that person even though I know that it can never be, even if I lost the weight.
I battle with letting go of the past. I am not even sure if this is a “valid” battle, although it seems like such a massive hindrance to me it has to be a battle as it stops me moving forwards.
I battle with being happy. If you were to ask most of my close friends what they thought of me, or how they saw me, I doubt the answers would contain references of glowing positivity, it seems to me that having the issues above that I do, and since having kids it is like the real me died was replaced by this shell, yeah I drift away into my own little world with the music I listen to etc. I don’t know, perhaps as I said above, perhaps my memory of how I was is wrong or tainted in some way and that I have always been like this, or perhaps that the life that I have chosen and my decisions along the way have all contributed to making me a miserable motherfucker.
What are your battles?
I met a friend of mine for a beer last week Thursday, we reminisced about the old days and a particular time when we went on holiday to San Antonio in our teens. He had recently scanned all the photographs from that holiday into digital format and they were on his phone. I spent a little time going through them and recently he emailed me the whole lot too.
I remember the holiday, I remember some of the people in the photographs (with their dodgy 80s hairdoos, I vaguely remember the sights and smells and I also remember some of the background around some of those pictures, the stories of how they came about or what we were doing before/after.
My gaze dwells on me slightly longer than the other bits in the pictures; I am really slim. I have always thought I have been overweight from day dot, I never remembered that I used to be slim. I had hair, my smile is broad and genuine, a genuine happy smile, I have a jawline, and hair. These pictures are about 31 years old, how time flies.
I don’t smile so much now and I am sure that even when I do it isn’t the same as from these pics, I don’t like my smile now, I’ve not the face for it, but back then it is a good smile, so much has happened in those 31 years, kids, long term girlfriend, multiple job, Sarcoidosis, more weight, less hair, loads of alcohol, cigarettes, drugs of various sorts, all has taken its toll in some ways, and it is a toll, even though it may sound shitty to say that, all those things cause different levels of stress, so much so that even though I know it is me in those photographs, If that person back then saw me now, I would be unrecognisable. of course all those “tolls” were down to choices made by me.
If I could only go back to that day knowing what I know now, there would be some major changes…
I think I’ll go look at those pics some more.
If I sold stuff on here this would be the closing down sale wouldn’t it? Lots of activity in the beginning as people waded in for the bargains followed by not much activity at all as the last of anything decent is sold off, I am hanging on to the blog for the sake of… something I am not quite sure of.
I think my thought processes are, currently at least, too fragmented in order to actually keep a blog going, especialy this blog in its current incarnation. Especially a blog that lost its focus and it’s readership a long time ago. So I am probably going to wander off. The other blog is still there and so I may well copy and paste anything decent from this blog over there and publish it if I ever decide to take it up again.
But ill leave this here, everything else will be made private or deleted. Once I’ve gotten what I want from it ill delete the blog. Catch ya later everyone, it’s been emotional.